A fighter...

So you tell me to write.
"Write for me", you say.

You challenge me. 

You tease me. 

You test me.

It is not right, I am not going to write. 

I insist, I am not going to write!

"You are a fighter, you should not surrender". You smile.

"I was born a leader" I shout. I fight. I resist!

Lost in the brightness of your pearl teeth and the rose of your soft lips...

I surrender...

You are right. I am no leader.
I am a fighter, I refuse no command.

So, I write. 

I write for you. 

I am a fighter, I refuse no command.

The day after 11.11.11

So, I have decided that this year of 2011 ends here on 11.11.11!

Today is the day after, meaning it is new year 12.11.11, therefore I must have my end of year resolution.

The year of 11.11.11 was a very good year for me, I think.

I turned 35, which is cool.
I have a "stable", good, "fun" job. 
I enjoy my life. Yay.
I love the people in my life. Very much.
I got to know some interesting new people. whom I like.
I have the best relationship with my mom ever, I think.
I love me. (Obviously not always did, but now I do and I do even more - Narcissism)
I love people. I Do, I do - with reservations still.
I love life with all its good and bad, happiness and sadness, and there is a lot of each.

I was actually thinking to myself, that every time I am happy, there must be something that makes me sad, and every time that I am sad, there must be something that makes me happy.
As if both, happiness and sadness are in a competition of who pleases me more.
In balance. The beauty of life. The Mystery of life, which I am in love with.

Back to the year of 11.11.11.

So I have learned to open up, a little bit more.
To accept people the way they are, a little bit more.
To enjoy people with all their differences, madness, noises, and calmness.
To look into their eyes, to surrender, to give myself to them and let them decide how much they'd like to get and when. Without too many expectations (though very hard and no matter how much I try I still build expectations) and without too many conditions.

You like me, voila, take as much as you want. You don't like me, then Au revoir.
If I like you, I want you to give me, If I don't like you then accept that I don't.

I am trying to keep writing since it is 4:45 AM and I need to keep awake until ~9:00AM, but I am not so sure how much I can. I think I can't, maybe I can. No I can't, I can!

OK, I cannot concentrate anymore. I must sleep for 2 hours. Not sure I like this post. But, cannot do anything now.

Bang Bang!

"Bang bang, he shot me down
Bang bang, I hit the ground
Bang bang, that awful sound"

Unclosed circles, old stories, nostalgia, love, pain, happiness, sadness, it all hit you at once, with no warning. With no preparation, with no mercy.


You just see it coming straight towards you, in front of your eyes and you are helpless. Your life, your history, people that you loved, people that hurt you, people that you hurt. Bang bang, and you find yourself on the ground, naked, exposed, betrayed and...loved.


Mixed feelings of love and hate. No, I refuse to hate. Mixed feelings of love and disappointment. A bit of sadness, yet happiness for I feel, for It is revealed. 


Happiness for honesty being shared, for scared soul choosing to do it the right way. I smile, and I laugh with pain, because I choose to. I choose to keep it simple, to comprehend, to absorb as much as possible, to feel it all, with all my body, organ by organ. I choose to keep the drama outside my system. I try, but I am overwhelmed. I look for a place to pour, to shed a tear, but I have no tears. 

Inhale, exhale, inhale, exhale, inhale, exhale.

Bang bang, I hit the ground, and I stand up. 
Bang bang, I hear this awful sound, and I shut my ears.


Bang bang, I see your face. I see your face.
Bang bang, you don't mean to hurt. You don't mean to hurt.
Bang bang, I like your soul.

Bang bang.