48 days.
48 days since Samy left us.
Since then I visit him almost every day. Pathetic. I feel pathetic, but also helpless. Even embarrassed. I wanted to write this since 13.9.2011, but I had not the courage. Today after seeing the below Samy's photo I couldn't wait anymore. I felt a real connection, maybe because of the type of the photo, a theme I adopted since a long time ago.
I knew Samy since we were kids, from school and the city of Haifa, few parties, here and there. We were never friends, but he was there. Always. Heard his stories, heard about his activities, always saw him in the city. Invisible relationship, you may call it, a relationship that I cannot explain.
The death of Samy shocked me as it shocked many others. I check Samy's facebook wall almost everyday. I search, I look maybe he just replied to someone, or added a new post saying: "Hey all, Surprise!!! I am here, I have been here all the time, it was all a big joke - I just wanted to see how many people will miss me if I am gone for a while...surprise!" Damn it.
Instead, I see his friends and family moaning and posting stories about him, funny ones and happy ones, they are posting things that he loves, things that he dislikes. Sometimes I laugh, sometimes I smile, sometimes I feel that I am going to cry, and my eyes tend to be wet. They are posting more and more wonderful pics of him , so handsome, I can't keep my eyes off him. The mole under his right eye, I always look at it and feel that it is a tear, that he wants to tell me something.
I ask myself why? What is happening to me? I have no answer, after all we weren't best friend, which is the most embarrassing part, we didn't have real daily contact. Come on, I am not even his friend on facebook. I really don't understand. I feel a little bit foolish, and I feel sometimes stupid. Why? What is connecting me to Samy? Why is this happening to me?
When I look at his photos, I many times see myself, as if I am looking at a mirror.
Sometimes, I like to think of myself as an angel. I fantasize about it, I believe that I came here for a reason, I have some duties to do, some people to meet and be in their lives, some changes I am responsible for, and then leave. Just leave, without even a goodbye, mission accomplished. First time I say this "out loud", but I live with the thought that I might not last long, human age wise. I live with this thought or feeling, even though I do not wish it to be real. So many things to do, so many things to accomplish, so many people to meet, to touch their hearts and let my heart be touched. I don't want to leave. I am an angel that likes it here. But angels have no saying in this...should I lose my wings and stay?
Looking at Samy I feel I am looking at myself, maybe because we angels see each other, know each other, even without any contact. This thought scares me to death.
Samy, you might remember me, and you might not, but I want to tell you that I feel you. I see you in my day dreams. When I look at your pics, I feel pain, but also a relief. Take care Samy. We all love you down here. Prepare the party and the good music, one day we will meet again for real.
