The day after 11.11.11

So, I have decided that this year of 2011 ends here on 11.11.11!

Today is the day after, meaning it is new year 12.11.11, therefore I must have my end of year resolution.

The year of 11.11.11 was a very good year for me, I think.

I turned 35, which is cool.
I have a "stable", good, "fun" job. 
I enjoy my life. Yay.
I love the people in my life. Very much.
I got to know some interesting new people. whom I like.
I have the best relationship with my mom ever, I think.
I love me. (Obviously not always did, but now I do and I do even more - Narcissism)
I love people. I Do, I do - with reservations still.
I love life with all its good and bad, happiness and sadness, and there is a lot of each.

I was actually thinking to myself, that every time I am happy, there must be something that makes me sad, and every time that I am sad, there must be something that makes me happy.
As if both, happiness and sadness are in a competition of who pleases me more.
In balance. The beauty of life. The Mystery of life, which I am in love with.

Back to the year of 11.11.11.

So I have learned to open up, a little bit more.
To accept people the way they are, a little bit more.
To enjoy people with all their differences, madness, noises, and calmness.
To look into their eyes, to surrender, to give myself to them and let them decide how much they'd like to get and when. Without too many expectations (though very hard and no matter how much I try I still build expectations) and without too many conditions.

You like me, voila, take as much as you want. You don't like me, then Au revoir.
If I like you, I want you to give me, If I don't like you then accept that I don't.

I am trying to keep writing since it is 4:45 AM and I need to keep awake until ~9:00AM, but I am not so sure how much I can. I think I can't, maybe I can. No I can't, I can!

OK, I cannot concentrate anymore. I must sleep for 2 hours. Not sure I like this post. But, cannot do anything now.

Bang Bang!

"Bang bang, he shot me down
Bang bang, I hit the ground
Bang bang, that awful sound"

Unclosed circles, old stories, nostalgia, love, pain, happiness, sadness, it all hit you at once, with no warning. With no preparation, with no mercy.


You just see it coming straight towards you, in front of your eyes and you are helpless. Your life, your history, people that you loved, people that hurt you, people that you hurt. Bang bang, and you find yourself on the ground, naked, exposed, betrayed and...loved.


Mixed feelings of love and hate. No, I refuse to hate. Mixed feelings of love and disappointment. A bit of sadness, yet happiness for I feel, for It is revealed. 


Happiness for honesty being shared, for scared soul choosing to do it the right way. I smile, and I laugh with pain, because I choose to. I choose to keep it simple, to comprehend, to absorb as much as possible, to feel it all, with all my body, organ by organ. I choose to keep the drama outside my system. I try, but I am overwhelmed. I look for a place to pour, to shed a tear, but I have no tears. 

Inhale, exhale, inhale, exhale, inhale, exhale.

Bang bang, I hit the ground, and I stand up. 
Bang bang, I hear this awful sound, and I shut my ears.


Bang bang, I see your face. I see your face.
Bang bang, you don't mean to hurt. You don't mean to hurt.
Bang bang, I like your soul.

Bang bang.

Samy 48

48.
48 days.
48 days since Samy left us.

Since then I visit him almost every day. Pathetic. I feel pathetic, but also helpless. Even embarrassed. I wanted to write this since 13.9.2011, but I had not the courage. Today after seeing the below Samy's photo I couldn't wait anymore. I felt a real connection, maybe because of the type of the photo, a theme I adopted since a long time ago.

I knew Samy since we were kids, from school and the city of Haifa, few parties, here and there. We were never friends, but he was there. Always. Heard his stories, heard about his activities, always saw him in the city. Invisible relationship, you may call it, a relationship that I cannot explain.

The death of Samy shocked me as it shocked many others. I check Samy's facebook wall almost everyday. I search, I look maybe he just replied to someone, or added a new post saying: "Hey all, Surprise!!! I am here, I have been here all the time, it was all a big joke - I just wanted to see how many people will miss me if I am gone for a while...surprise!" Damn it.

Instead, I see his friends and family moaning and posting stories about him, funny ones and happy ones, they are posting things that he loves, things that he dislikes. Sometimes I laugh, sometimes I smile, sometimes I feel that I am going to cry, and my eyes tend to be wet. They are posting more and more wonderful pics of him , so handsome, I can't keep my eyes off him. The mole under his right eye, I always look at it and feel that it is a tear, that he wants to tell me something.

I ask myself why? What is happening to me? I have no answer, after all we weren't best friend, which is the most embarrassing part, we didn't have real daily contact. Come on, I am not even his friend on facebook. I really don't understand. I feel a little bit foolish, and I feel sometimes stupid. Why? What is connecting me to Samy? Why is this happening to me?

When I look at his photos, I many times see myself, as if I am looking at a mirror.

Sometimes, I like to think of myself as an angel. I fantasize about it, I believe that I came here for a reason, I have some duties to do, some people to meet and be in their lives, some changes I am responsible for, and then leave. Just leave, without even a goodbye, mission accomplished. First time I say this "out loud", but I live with the thought that I might not last long, human age wise. I live with this thought or feeling, even though I do not wish it to be real. So many things to do, so many things to accomplish, so many people to meet, to touch their hearts and let my heart be touched. I don't want to leave. I am an angel that likes it here. But angels have no saying in this...should I lose my wings and stay?

Looking at Samy I feel I am looking at myself, maybe because we angels see each other, know each other, even without any contact. This thought scares me to death.

Samy, you might remember me, and you might not, but I want to tell you that I feel you. I see you in my day dreams. When I look at your pics, I feel pain, but also a relief. Take care Samy. We all love you down here. Prepare the party and the good music, one day we will meet again for real.