48 days.
48 days since Samy left us.
Since then I visit him almost every day. Pathetic. I feel pathetic, but also helpless. Even embarrassed. I wanted to write this since 13.9.2011, but I had not the courage. Today after seeing the below Samy's photo I couldn't wait anymore. I felt a real connection, maybe because of the type of the photo, a theme I adopted since a long time ago.
I knew Samy since we were kids, from school and the city of Haifa, few parties, here and there. We were never friends, but he was there. Always. Heard his stories, heard about his activities, always saw him in the city. Invisible relationship, you may call it, a relationship that I cannot explain.
The death of Samy shocked me as it shocked many others. I check Samy's facebook wall almost everyday. I search, I look maybe he just replied to someone, or added a new post saying: "Hey all, Surprise!!! I am here, I have been here all the time, it was all a big joke - I just wanted to see how many people will miss me if I am gone for a while...surprise!" Damn it.
Instead, I see his friends and family moaning and posting stories about him, funny ones and happy ones, they are posting things that he loves, things that he dislikes. Sometimes I laugh, sometimes I smile, sometimes I feel that I am going to cry, and my eyes tend to be wet. They are posting more and more wonderful pics of him , so handsome, I can't keep my eyes off him. The mole under his right eye, I always look at it and feel that it is a tear, that he wants to tell me something.
I ask myself why? What is happening to me? I have no answer, after all we weren't best friend, which is the most embarrassing part, we didn't have real daily contact. Come on, I am not even his friend on facebook. I really don't understand. I feel a little bit foolish, and I feel sometimes stupid. Why? What is connecting me to Samy? Why is this happening to me?
When I look at his photos, I many times see myself, as if I am looking at a mirror.
Sometimes, I like to think of myself as an angel. I fantasize about it, I believe that I came here for a reason, I have some duties to do, some people to meet and be in their lives, some changes I am responsible for, and then leave. Just leave, without even a goodbye, mission accomplished. First time I say this "out loud", but I live with the thought that I might not last long, human age wise. I live with this thought or feeling, even though I do not wish it to be real. So many things to do, so many things to accomplish, so many people to meet, to touch their hearts and let my heart be touched. I don't want to leave. I am an angel that likes it here. But angels have no saying in this...should I lose my wings and stay?
Looking at Samy I feel I am looking at myself, maybe because we angels see each other, know each other, even without any contact. This thought scares me to death.
Samy, you might remember me, and you might not, but I want to tell you that I feel you. I see you in my day dreams. When I look at your pics, I feel pain, but also a relief. Take care Samy. We all love you down here. Prepare the party and the good music, one day we will meet again for real.
losing people is shocking, losing them young much more..
ReplyDelete40 is 4 years to 36, 57 is 21... 17 is 19 less...
living on borrowed time....
thanks ange for sharing :*
From Slieman - Samy's brother:
ReplyDeleteThank you Anjelique for writing this and for sharing it with my sister Samira! That's how I got to know about it.
I relate to what you feel about being an Angel and about there being a reason (a mission?) to be on earth and I encourage you to not think it is strange or weird. There are various circles in mystical spirituality that consider this a fact and as their reality and find ways to express it.
I don't mean to turn this comment to a philosophical discourse. After all you're talking about grief and bidding a dear soul farewell. Samy -- my younger brother -- had / has a strong angelic presence
about him. Indeed he was a "normal human being" too, in the sense he loved parties, the Feminine,etc.
But his good-heartedness and giving nature were unique.
Part of the mystical world view I allude to earlier is that souls don’t die – how can life turn to nothing between one breath and the would-be-next? I doubt Samy’s soul completed his journey on Earth. I feel his longing – though little expressed – to a family life, kids, grand and ever-lasting love have not
been fulfilled. So I feel.
And I also think his attachment to the Palestinian land, people and cause perhaps will bring him back. (Rather interesting that you named your letter “Samy 48”... 48 having a symbolism that cannot be escaped).
Do continue to write...
Sleiman
I didn't know Samy, saw him twice in parties.
ReplyDeleteI cried his death when I heard. Though I don't know him the tears couldn’t stop.
Samy is me and you, Samy is every single Arab Palestinian woman and man who is 30+ and lives here in Israel .Hidden conflicts, lot of thoughts and feelings. Deep endless Silent argues. Few days a clear mind, other days loosing the identity.
Samy is Sadness and loneliness, fighting with life and struggling. Samy is the fun and the joy with friends and in vacations, Samy is the hard work, the success and lot of happy moments. Samy is the close friends and far ones, the family weekends and much much more.
Samy left early but he shouldn't. His death touched so many hearts, even the hearts who never knew him. We will have Samy in our heart and mind for a very long time., Samy was very special and valuable man, so please god leave here the other special and beloved Ones, especially the angel ones.
Nagham Haddad
Thank you for this post,
ReplyDeleteI enjoyed it and feel very connected to it.