Sadness - piece by piece

Sadness, this is what I feel at the moment. Sadness, at the ben gurion airport. Sadness, deep in my heart. Sadness, this is what they make me feel. Sadness, this is what they want me to feel. Sadness and it is eating my heart, piece by piece. How stupid it is to eat your heart because of sadness that others cause you. I am stupid, I am sad too, I also eat my heart piece by piece.

I breath heavily, and I write. I drink my cappuccino slowly, and I write. I wish, I was not writing these lines at the moment, I wish to enjoy my cappuccino only, to drink it slowly, to feel its bitterness and to love it. To go around the duty free, look for a perfume I like and to buy it.

Sadness, I cannot control it. How stupid to feel sadness in such case. How stupid that I feel sadness instead of anger. I want to be angry, and I am sad. I am stupid too.

Number 5, this is me. How beautiful. Number 5, this is where I belong. Not number 1, not number 2, not even number 6. I am not a Jewish, I am not a terrorist. I am an Arab. I am almost a terrorist. This is why I am number 5. This is what they want to think, this is what they want me to feel like, and this is what I am accused of without any legitimacy to do so.

A “sticker” they call me, someone suspicious that needs the extra effort, that justifies the extra resources and that justify their existence. How sad it is.

How sad it is to be accused of something you did not do. Something you have no connection to, something you do not agree to. But, I am not a Jew, I am an Arab, a citizen of the state of Israel, and I am accused of almost terrorism. No matter how much I try to integrate, no matter how good I represent the country I hold its passport, No matter what I want. I am accused. I am number 5, I am a “sticker” and I am almost a terrorist.

Sad, it makes me feel sad. Not angry, not anymore. Sad. It is so stupid to feel sad. I am stupid, and I eat my heart, piece by piece.

Sometimes I ask myself why? I try to understand. But why should I? I don’t understand. I can never understand how a “number traumatic” people, assign numbers to other people. Why should I understand? I have been a good citizen all my life. Why should I be? They want me to be an Israeli, but they put me in non Israeli line. They want me to sing the Israeli anthem with pride, an anthem that doesn’t represent me, and yet put me in a separate line. They want me to hold the Israeli flag, and yet put me in “non-Israeli” line and security checks. What do you want? Do you want a white flag? Take it! Please leave me alone. Do you feel good now? Do you feel the power? The control? Do you have your orgasm already?! You can also come on me, please do it, I will swallow and shut up!

Killing me softly, it is. Piece by piece, I eat my heart, in sadness, I eat my heart and it hurts. Piece by piece, I eat my heart. Peace by piss!