Everything & nothing - noncoherent thoughts

I feel in Arabic.
I think  in Arabic and Hebrew.
I write in Arabic, Hebrew and English.
My current world, is Danish.
No wonder I have an identity crisis.

Palestine/Israel is so small for me, I need the big world. But where is the big world? What is the big world? What do I want to do when I grow up? Why do I ask these questions after 33.5 years? Isn’t it too late for that? Or is it my awakening moment?

Wake up wake up...I always found it hard to wake up in the mornings...I always wake up late. But once I wake up I am full of energy and ready to eat the world, to grab it with my both hands and chew it, until nothing is left.

Who  am I? What am I? Am I happy? Am I sad? Where am I going? What do I feel?

I feel that I lost partial control, which makes me no one and nowhere. Either I gain full control back, or I want to loosen everything, and lose it all. To start from the beginning. Look, watch, see and flow with whatever life brings to me. Enjoy the moment of being alive, our time is final here, and who knows what will happen tomorrow. Sad. Lately I feel sad too many times, and I cannot figure out why. Sometimes I worry too much for other people's problems and feelings. I take responsibility on other people's lives while I ignore mine or neglect it. I feel I should stop doing that. Sometimes I want to run away, sometimes I want to sleep, sometimes I want to be invisible, and most of the times I want to feel warm arms around me, live laugh and experience.

A memory:

When I was in the 2nd grade, we had a football match with the other 2nd grade, I also played with the boys (let's face it, I was better than most of them). We lost. And after the match a classmate came to me, and told me a sentence I never forget...”I admire you so much" she said, "all the boys' heads are in the floor with despair, only yours is looking up", how a girl in the 2nd grade could have such an observation and tell me this sentence that I remember until today, about 27 years later. Amazing. Today, I feel I’ve lost, not much to be proud of or to admire, I walk in the streets and I seldom feel my head looking on the ground, instead of to the skies. Once I notice this, I always remember this sentence and try to raise my head and look ahead of me, look forward.

If they ever ask me about a person that had a great influence on my life, I will definitely include this girl in the list. Maryam, her name was. Unfortunately I do not remember her last name.