The Mall

This morning, I woke up at 9:00, I brushed my teeth, and immediately began to watch a movie. “Sex and the City”. The 2nd “Sex & The City” film is already in the cinema and I thought to myself that it might be a good time to watch the 1st one. Just in Time. Only 2 years of delay. What a lovely way to start my morning.

New York. New York. Sometimes, deep inside I want to live like a New Yorker, a “real genuine” New Yorker, like the ones in the movies. Then I realize that I am fooling myself. I don’t have it in me. I am too practical for a New Yorker life style.

At least, after the film ended, I had thought of going out to the city. If no sex, then at least a city, no? :-)

But those ladies in the “Sex and the City” didn’t agree that I just go to the city, they demanded me to take care of few abandoned issues, that I didn’t take care of the last couple of weeks. So, some basic cosmetics stuff were taken care of. Few grams were lost from my body, and it felt good and fresh. I took a nice shower, indulged myself with my favorite Almond body oil, looked for my abandoned contact lenses and tried to remember how to use them. I don’t like my glasses, I feel that it hides me, it distracts people from the real me, hides my beauty. I am allowed to think so, at least. Sometimes I feel less feminine when I put my glasses on. I have to admit, not always and I know it is bullshit, and I am talking so un-feminist, but I was never lead by rules of others. Don’t ask me why I am justifying me feelings, maybe the rules of others do affect me after all. But when I want to feel pretty, then putting on my glasses definitely do not help. My contact lenses are on, my Polarized Ray Ban classic sun glasses, that I last used in summer of 2009 when I was visiting home for few days, were taken out of the drawer (this time I remembered where I put them), a pair of torn TH Jeans, a colorful Uniqlo shirt, G-Star white light jacket, and my red-white addidas sneakers are all put perfectly on me. I am ready to go.

This is me, conservative in almost everything other than my little brain (Maybe). I am conservative in cloths, conservative in shoes and conservative in choosing sun glasses. I find it a waste to buy something that will last for 2 months and then should be replaced by something else more fashionable. Mostly I look for the classic look, where “my stuff” can last for as much as I like. It is something that I am trying to explain, and I think I know the root cause of it. I try to change sometimes, and I successfully manage, but very fast I will be back on the conservative track. I am not sure whether I want to change. I have no problem to pay for expensive things, but as long as it is classic and sustainable. I will try to explain some other time. Not now, not here. Since now and here, I never meant to touch this topic, I didn’t even mean to get personal. All I wanted is to write something, just something, as simple as that. I didn’t write anything since the 6th of April, 2010, on my way back from a home visit. I felt paralyzed. I wanted to write about so many things, and I couldn’t even log in. I was still exhausted. My mind has blocked every time I wanted to start writing anything. I took a break, I was sure I will return, and here I am.

Sitting on the window side of Barresso coffee shop, looking at the people walking the streets of Copenhagen with their shorts, flip flops and sun glasses. Sunny at last, it is 18 degrees. Summer is here.

My cappuccino is prepared to perfection; My Tomato & Mozzarella sandwich, is not more than OK, but at least I got a 20% discount, so I don’t feel that bad buying it.

When I left home today I took with me few items:

My old green tiny shuffle iPod that has a laser-engraved signature on it:

“iAngelique. Made in Heaven.”

I connect it to my new olive green Sony designed headphones that I bought in Tokyo.

The main songs are for Marcel Khalife, Souad Massi, Wadi3 el Safi, Nasri shams el deen, Kamilia Jubran, some other modern “already old” Arabic mix songs, and most importantly “Sahrieh”, a Ziad Rahbani play.

I am so afraid to lose these songs if I try to add new songs. I don’t know where I have the list loaded into the iPod, and I am afraid that any update, I will lose everything. And I don’t want that. I keep listening to the same songs and the same play, over and over and I am never fed up.

I also have my 10” Samsung laptop that I bought last year in London. I bought it especially for this purpose, to be able to have it with me everywhere, any time and write if I feel like it. I already proved it as a great buy, one of my best buys in the last couple of years, I must admit. I love it. The battery also lasts for ~6+ hours, so come on let’s admit it. It is perfect.

I have a Sony HD 120 GB video camera which is also my still camera. I bought it in Berlin. My plan was (and still) to record myself for all kind of purposes, like video blog, or comedy sketches that I write, or just to see how I manage in front of the camera. I love the camera. I love being in front of the camera. Unfortunately, I have not yet used the camera as I wish for. It requires more than just recording something; it requires more thinking and planning, and writing, and editing, etc. It is a long hard process. So far I did few things here and there, but I can say for sure that I haven’t used its potential yet. I used it so far as my still camera, as it has great qualities.

Today, I also took it with me, honestly, I am not sure why, but I thought I might take few shots here and there and practice a little bit of editing when I am back.

Copenhagen this weekend, is full of activities, it is a long weekend. Monday is a holiday. The weather great today, there is a Carnival, and some kind of traditional Medieval Market event until Monday. I might go see that. I like this stupid stuff, but will see if I manage to grab someone with me. I don’t like going places alone, although many times I enjoy it after all.

So, here I am still sitting in Barresso, finished my cappuccino and sandwich, long time ago, the sun is almost gone, but I like it that I am writing and that from each sentence that I write, I can start hundreds of other sentences. I wish it is always like that. Although now I feel so non-coherent with what I wrote, I feel like I need to re-write or write about each topic separately, so I can give each topic what it really deserves. I think it is enough for now, I will not reread or rewrite. I will call this Blog, “The Mall”, since I feel that my writing is like going into a mall. Lots of topics to consume in one place, less quality, but fun. Lots of fun.

Sadness - piece by piece

Sadness, this is what I feel at the moment. Sadness, at the ben gurion airport. Sadness, deep in my heart. Sadness, this is what they make me feel. Sadness, this is what they want me to feel. Sadness and it is eating my heart, piece by piece. How stupid it is to eat your heart because of sadness that others cause you. I am stupid, I am sad too, I also eat my heart piece by piece.

I breath heavily, and I write. I drink my cappuccino slowly, and I write. I wish, I was not writing these lines at the moment, I wish to enjoy my cappuccino only, to drink it slowly, to feel its bitterness and to love it. To go around the duty free, look for a perfume I like and to buy it.

Sadness, I cannot control it. How stupid to feel sadness in such case. How stupid that I feel sadness instead of anger. I want to be angry, and I am sad. I am stupid too.

Number 5, this is me. How beautiful. Number 5, this is where I belong. Not number 1, not number 2, not even number 6. I am not a Jewish, I am not a terrorist. I am an Arab. I am almost a terrorist. This is why I am number 5. This is what they want to think, this is what they want me to feel like, and this is what I am accused of without any legitimacy to do so.

A “sticker” they call me, someone suspicious that needs the extra effort, that justifies the extra resources and that justify their existence. How sad it is.

How sad it is to be accused of something you did not do. Something you have no connection to, something you do not agree to. But, I am not a Jew, I am an Arab, a citizen of the state of Israel, and I am accused of almost terrorism. No matter how much I try to integrate, no matter how good I represent the country I hold its passport, No matter what I want. I am accused. I am number 5, I am a “sticker” and I am almost a terrorist.

Sad, it makes me feel sad. Not angry, not anymore. Sad. It is so stupid to feel sad. I am stupid, and I eat my heart, piece by piece.

Sometimes I ask myself why? I try to understand. But why should I? I don’t understand. I can never understand how a “number traumatic” people, assign numbers to other people. Why should I understand? I have been a good citizen all my life. Why should I be? They want me to be an Israeli, but they put me in non Israeli line. They want me to sing the Israeli anthem with pride, an anthem that doesn’t represent me, and yet put me in a separate line. They want me to hold the Israeli flag, and yet put me in “non-Israeli” line and security checks. What do you want? Do you want a white flag? Take it! Please leave me alone. Do you feel good now? Do you feel the power? The control? Do you have your orgasm already?! You can also come on me, please do it, I will swallow and shut up!

Killing me softly, it is. Piece by piece, I eat my heart, in sadness, I eat my heart and it hurts. Piece by piece, I eat my heart. Peace by piss!

The "D" way...

A huge cake, very tasty, covered with Marzipan, my favorite, and lots of happy people. Today we celebrated a launch of a product that was not delivered, or in regular people's words - just did not happen. I bet someone said:" damn, we cannot deliver the product on time, so what shall we do? What shall we do?

"Eureka!! We can still deliver the cake!"

Happy people in the kingdom of D.

(I wonder whether we will celebrate a new cake once the product will be really, but really, launched.)

Just less than a month ago, a different product was launched successfully 'on time, on budget', and there was NO cake. The D management decision was that the project was launched successfully since the people worked on it, were doing the job they were requested to, so why the hell would anyone bring them a cake?! No one is volunteering to work here.. Hello?! They all get paid.

But hey, if you don't do your job, a product doesn't launch, the system doesn't work, the organization collapses and all are stressed, then what would be better than a cake to lift the sad faces and low morale up? Correct, A cake!

That my dear friends, is the D way!

Now let's say that your project is in a critical phase and it is not performing, what would you do if you were to use the D way?

1. Focus on the problematic area and act fast.

2. Find the weak link within the problematic area and look into out of the box solutions.
3. Be efficient, be creative.

or

1. Immediately say, "There are no resources".

2. Start playing with the organizational chart - after 3 weeks of play, come with the conclusion that:

    a. "There are no resources".

    b.  4 more managers are needed immediately.

    c. You need to delegate this task to someone else because of: #3.

3. Communicate that you feel stressed, and you don't know when you will feel better.

4. Communicate your vacation plans that, what a bad luck, falls exactly on the planned launch date of the project you are leading.

and... the winning answer, is?!  Come on, do you really think I am going to tell you?  Think! Think!

So, now we have a new project manager replacing the stressed project manager, without much of knowledge transfer, but who cares after all the conclusion was that the project needs to be staffed with 4 new managers filling the organization chart vertically and horizontally (literal translation from arabic saying: Bil tool ew Bil 3ard), layer in front and layer in back. The more inefficient you are, the more successful you are, the more money burnt on managers the bigger  your project is, the more cakes you get!

If all this doesn't work and the project didn't launch on time (no way it is going to launch on budget, you already know that - right?), then just bring another cake, continue complaining about the size and the scope of the project and how huge it is, while you have more managers than developers and/or testers, but still, add few more managers since you are so busy changing the organizational chart again, preparing a new presentation to describe it to managers again, and joining additional 10 more status meetings a week. Ohh, how could I forget the status reports and the Minutes of Meetings that you need to write.

So now you invested 4.75 hours in writing detailed report and then another 4-5 days preparing a presentation for the executive managers (Decision makers), so they can see the real status of the project, the progress, the open issues, the risks and of course the new updated budget!

You send it for your direct manager, a part of the executive managers board, for his review, and then it comes back to you looking all "red" (track changes, track changes) like after the Great Northern War between Denmark & Sweden in 1700-1721.

Some numbers should be changed, others should just disappear, move left to right, right to left, change some colors, remove few sentences, add few others, make it look "realistic", and yuppy hurray, we are done!

It is ready for presentation! Serious decisions need to be made, the presentation should be as accurate as possible for best decisions. Executive managers, look at the presentation, the numbers look right ("Not more than X millions, Great, not need for board approval"), ask few questions to show interest and here we go, Go/NoGo?

Go, NoGo, Go, NoGo, Go Go Go!! and let the Boss enjoy the Cha Cha Cha (Cover His Ass) dance!